What is there to say about this episode’s topic? Having previously aired episodes about triangles and circles , the show has now combined both into an episode about “keyhole” shapes, or a...
Review of Ancient Aliens S16E03 "The Galactic Keyhole" - JASON COLAVITO Home Blog Books Articles The Library About Jason Search Review of Ancient Aliens S16E03 "The Galactic Keyhole" 12/4/2020 38 Comments What is there to say about this episode’s topic? Having previously aired episodes about triangles and circles, the show has now combined both into an episode about “keyhole” shapes, or a circle overlapping a triangle. More prosaically, the shape is formed when any two converging lines approach a circle. In a pinch, parallel lines will do. It should take no genius to see how ancient people might strike on the notion of intersecting a circle with a triangle or a rectangle, or why a causeway might lead to a circular enclosure. For Ancient Aliens, however, the very notion of shapes toddlers master at the age of two is a cosmic leap that could only descend from the stars. Whatever would they make of the fact that my three-year-old has mastered dodecahedrons? Oh, right. They did an episode about them, too. Anyhow, the show’s perverse game of intergalactic Sesame Street is getting old. I am starting to feel that the value of writing up summary reviews of Ancient Aliens is falling into sunk-cost fallacy territory. Given the profoundly silly nature of this week’s topic, I will offer only bullet-points to highlight the major claims. It doesn’t feel worth writing a full review of the flatulence wafting from a half-assed effort. Segment 1A random pair of mesas on Mars resembling a circle and a triangle, neither connected nor clear, are claimed to be an alien-built monument in a keyhole shape.A moat-surrounded Japanese tomb shaped roughly like a keyhole, seen in previous episodes, is seen again here. The show fabricates an exact keyhole shape by rendering structure’s irregular outline as a perfect vector drawing of a keyhole.Japanese gods are asserted to be space aliens on no evidence other than gods live in the sky.Stone structures in Saudi Arabia made from circles abutting trapezoids are seen.The show alleges keyholes represent heaven meeting Earth, but there is no reason to suspect that the base of the “hole,” alternately a rectangle, trapezoid, or a triangle, is a 2-D representation of a “pyramid” as they suggest.Other shapes are seen across ancient cultures, but they are increasingly far removed from keyhole shapes. Some barely contain a circle or a triangle. Segment 2A piece of Egyptian jewelry is alleged to be electrical technology.A Phoenician depiction of a woman in a dress is claimed to be a keyhole.More than five full minutes of footage shot for season 13’s Sardinia episode claims troughs and enclosures made from circles and rectangles are somehow keyholes. Chunks of material from that episode, including previously aired footage, are repeated here and need not be discussed a second time. But no one is trying to hide the cut-and-paste recycling.Segment 3A well in India that looks nothing like one in Sardinia is alleged to be “similar.” Their only similarity is that both have staircases that descend in a straight line down to a circular well. The Indian well, built around 1750, is radically redated to thousands of years BCE for no discernible reason other than an ill-defined local legend.The usual stories about Vedic gods being space aliens are repeated, and Giorgio Tsoukalos says “who knows” if Sardinia and India had visits from the “same” aliens. I thought he was supposed to know. Well, if not him, then I guess it is unknowable.Stupas are discussed again. They were just discussed in the previous episode on Tibet, repeating material from years before, and now the same material is repeated yet again. This time, the shape previously alleged to be a rocket or a flying saucer is now a keyhole. Segment 4A medieval legend about the Seal of Solomon, a ring that controls demons, is alleged to be an ancient text. The show conflates a story in the Talmud (Tractate Gittin fol. 68) with largely unrelated elements from later Arabic legends and clearly does not understand that neither is a genuine tradition from the Bronze Age.The Knights Templar are invoked, repeating previous claims about the Templars discovering a secret chamber with the secret technology of the Djinn. The show does not understand that Arabic stories of the Djinn are neither Jewish nor from the Bronze Age.Traditional Christian church architecture, with nave and apse, is mistaken for a keyhole. Segment 5St. Peter’s Square is identified as a keyhole.The Holy Grail is identified as a keyhole, though the images used depict a Eucharistic wafer entering a bowl. It has no keyhole shape.The show repeats false claims about Wolfram von Eschenbach claiming the Grail was Lucifer’s crown jewel. This story was explained back in 1904 as a scholarly error of the nineteenth century. There was a medieval poem that claimed it, but it was written after Wolfram and is generally regarded as an inferior derivative.The show alleges that the Holy Grail is in the Vatican and St. Peter’s Square points the way. The Holy Grail, a medieval legend, does not exist, so the speculation is pointless. Segment 6More Mars conspiracy theories close out the episode, alleging that the “keyhole” is too symmetrical to be natural, though (a) it is not terribly symmetrical as it stands now and (b) symmetrical erosion is not all that rare.“Without information, what do you have?” Tsoukalos asks. “You have nothing.” I didn’t expect him to deliver the show’s mission statement, or an argument for disposing of the show forever. 38 Comments Puthoff will find it interesting 12/4/2020 10:32:36 pm Hal Puthoff takes it all seriously but please note there wouldn't be any Puthoff without the American government endorsing his position. I noticed in the released CIA Files on Puthoff how confident he was about Uri Geller's paranormal powers during the 1960 and how ambivalent he was against scepticism about Geller. Reply Kent 12/4/2020 10:34:57 pm The Indians enjoyed one or two huge wells that could be explored via stairways. It should be rememberated that the Talmud whichever flavor you prefer, postdates the Bronze Age. And as you don't explicitly point out, is post-Christian. The Talmud can go screw, too many rules for this cowboy. But if some folks find it helpful, why not? And it could be argued that the Mogen David is a two dimensional representation of two intersecting pyramids (tetrahedrons), seen from the bottom. "Traditional Christian church architecture, with nave and apse, is mistaken for a keyhole." What is an oculus if not a keyhole? And what is the key if not a Sun God or a Sky God (Lt. Uhura notwithstanding)? I would like to hear what al-Idrisi says about Pharaoh Pyrex III's thoughts on this. Reply Old Man That Yells At Clouds 12/7/2020 02:14:38 am Bro? You need me to step in? & Mop the floor? I got yer back? Otherwise? Seems like you got it under control. Right? Yeah. This James Dean shit? Gonna be up there. ❤️ This? Is Funny. Like? This blog is my "ab-exercise"? Fucking dead. Thanks, J! ❤️😅 Reply Jonathan a Mortimer 12/5/2020 01:26:32 am Now, it would seem to me that with a change in this programmes title, and a new sensible voice over, there could be an intriguing look into humankinds propensity to scribe circles and associate geometries and to ascribe the same thinking to natural formations. I come from a position of ignorance never having seen an Ancient Aliens episode in anything more than brief YouTube clips, as it doesn't air terrestrially in my neck of the woods. But wouldn't it be sensible to put all that effort of those camera people, and graphic overlays to good use. There could be a little extra discussion about the history and development of the escutcheon itself, and speculation on whether we construct myriad forms that unconsciously represent human form or whether pareidolia is responsible for tinting our views. More I think about it the more I'd want to see that show, geometry as an extension of intellectual development, symbolic order in a world of organic chaos. You didn't mention whether the original programme discussed the Gobekli Tepe stones, but the conjecture over whether they represent human figures, while equally being assignable to keyhole if one liked, would be a fascinating additional thought. So, buy the rights to the episode, remove the silliness and the talking heads and replace with the genuinely more engaging questions of how one species over active brain has allowed it to explore representation through geometry and association. Imagine what a service it would be to repurpose all of the AA episodes to the general betterment of knowledge, recycling all of the production value into something useful. Reply Kent 12/5/2020 12:30:53 pm The human propensity to eschew carriage returns appears boundless. All in pursuit of the false god Unreadability. V.S.S.E. Reply English 101 teaching assistant obvious 12/5/2020 04:09:09 pm Joe Kent's propensity to commit errors while criticizing the writing of others appears boundless. Kent 12/5/2020 05:28:10 pm Two to five books a day for 42 years, do I have that right? Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 12:56:37 pm Oh bless you, you're having a little dig at me for sentence structure, that's sweet. There you go, return pressed. I'm often reading Jason in the middle of the night when night terrors shake me awake and I need a bit of intelligent logic to put my mind back in to place... And so I'm sure that grammar, syntax and heaven's to betsy, spelling, must be all over the shop. I had to look up VSSE, Veiligheid van de Staat - Sureté de l'État, the Belgian State Security Service...so I defer. Kent 12/6/2020 03:19:30 pm "Oh bless you, you're having a little dig at me for sentence structure, that's sweet." No, your refusal to use carriage returns to make your post readable. It's aggressive stupidity of Galactic Keyhole proportions. A swing and a miss on your "S.G.S." Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 03:24:08 pm Or is it just the Verband Süddeutscher Spargel- und Erdbeeranbauer - the Association of South German Asparagus and Strawberry Growers... No, its a real association, you can look it up. We Europeans like to combine our fruit and vegetables. Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 03:31:59 pm No, no, it's the Vikram Sarabhai Space Exhibition in Ahmedabad - with its mandate to parcel out knowledge to its visitors on the significant advancements and achievements made by Indian Space Research Organisation. Space man. Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 03:42:03 pm Or did you mean VSee, a proprietary low-bandwidth, group video chat and screen-sharing software tool, making virtual teamwork easy and conveying trust over video, providing HIPAA Compliant Telehealth, that would make sense, I understand that they have No Hidden Costs Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 04:20:00 pm No, no it's the Ahmedabad space place, I know that because you mentioned Indian stepwells and the Adalaj Stepwell અડાલજની વાવ, is located in the village of Adalaj, close to Ahmedabad city. I hear that it is considered a fine example of Indian architecture, but it was built in 1498 so perhaps too late to be a particularly useful reference. Well done. Unreadably obvious 12/6/2020 04:54:20 pm No, but if you say 2-3 times a day where I make you look dumb then you are getting warm. That narrows the list of suspects down to about ten. Jonathan a Mortimer 12/6/2020 06:12:45 pm SGS? You mean Société Générale de Surveillance... You're deep state man. Caswell 12/6/2020 06:27:30 pm Kent is a bloody nonce. Disengage or don't use your real name or provide contact details.. James Patrick Ryan 12/5/2020 03:29:49 am There is a whole fertility symbolism here that's being overlooked. I mean, everyone knows that the angle from the apex of the perineum to a line parallel from the entrance to the vagina directly to the clitoral hood is exactly 11 degrees. Ancient Astronaut theorists say, "YES; It's called Astroglide!" Why do you think they're called, "S(h)tup(a)"? Reply Hooded Alien with Glowing Eyes 12/5/2020 08:37:46 am "clitoral hood" Sounds like you've viewed the Leonardo da Vinci episode. Don't you know that's an alien?🤣 Ancient Aliens added glowing eyes! Body Snatchers 🤣😂🤣 Reply orang pendek 12/5/2020 11:27:45 am Sounds to me like that old high school rhyme: The angle of the dangle equals the mass of the ass plus the heat of the meat. Jim 12/5/2020 05:57:08 am YouTuber found 'identical' structures in Japan and on Mars Believes it's evidence aliens fled Mars during a war and settled on Earth https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3799328/Alien-hunters-claim-ve-Martian-structure-identical-ancient-Japanese-tomb-Nasa-says-s-just-hill.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZTmJngW8AM&feature=emb_logo https://www.inquisitr.com/3520305/ufo-hunters-proof-of-ancient-mars-civilization-link-to-japanese-culture-discovered-on-google-maps-video/ Reply Jonathan a Mortimer 12/5/2020 07:25:13 am With respect to the Daily Mail I wouldn't trust it to reliably line my cat box. Reply Jim 12/5/2020 12:19:23 pm Nor I, but the dates on these articles are 2016 and the U tube vid. is 2014. Just Ancient Aliens rehashing old internet nonsense, they truly have nothing worth watching and rely on old crap like this to produce "new" content. About as much originality as Wolter whose crap all comes from him copying junk from fellow pseudos. As Jason has demonstrated time and again, most of this pseudo junk is simply rehashed garbage. How old are you, Jim 12/5/2020 11:49:52 am The Daily Mail mentioned Pareidolia in its article, Jim - as well as informing its readers that NASA commented the geological formation on Mars was natural. Are you cherry-picking? Reply Kent 12/5/2020 03:35:52 pm OUR JIM WOULD NEVER DO THAT! LEAVE JIMNEY ALONE RIGHT NOW! Ham Pizza 12/5/2020 05:36:39 pm "cherry-picking" No. To Jim, those aren't cherries. They're Canadian Rhubarb. They call it "Rhubarb-Pulling". Everyone joins in at their Aladdin parties. Jim 12/6/2020 09:19:11 am kent manynames,,,, picking fights and making a fool out of himself,,,nothing to see here folks. Kent 12/6/2020 11:36:25 am The Galactic Keyhole checking in ladies and gen'l'men! Give him a warm welcome, won't you? Miss McGilicuddy 12/6/2020 06:44:05 pm Joe Kent managed two short sentences with reasonably corrrect grammar and strictly G-rated commentary. Let's all give him a nice warm golf clap. E.P. Grondine 12/5/2020 12:55:18 pm For your viewing pleasure: https://youtu.be/6aAbjAXL-NI Reply Kent 12/5/2020 03:41:43 pm The marvel of a dancing bear is not how well it dances but that it dances at all. We'll leave the discussion of your concept of "pleasure" for another day. Reply Rock Knocker 12/5/2020 03:48:57 pm Jason didn’t disclose that one of the Lagina brothers (the “smart” one) is in this episode. He functions as the village idiot who blindly believes whatever Giorgio tells him, displaying amazement along with a serious expression to bolster G’s pronouncements. Now I can get my weekly fix of both AA and COI at the same time - by not watching this episode. Oops, too late. Well, maybe next week.... Reply Jim 12/5/2020 06:06:51 pm Wait,,, there are 3 Lasagna brothers ? Rick, Marty,,, what is the smart ones name ? Reply James Patrick Ryan link 12/6/2020 09:46:35 am I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the Lagina brother who is worth $40-60MM is the smart one; although he is the same Lagina that invested six figures in a Florida treasure recovery before fully understanding the salvage/antiquities/intrinsics rules...just sayin' Clete 12/5/2020 06:36:56 pm Saying one of the Lagina brothers is "smart" is like comparing which carrot is "smarter" than the other one. Reply Rock Knocker 12/9/2020 02:00:38 pm Well, I’ll admit that “smart is a relative term, but consider this - one brother has a degree in mechanical engineering along with a law degree. The other was a mailman..... Sacqueboutier 12/6/2020 09:45:37 am You forgot to mention the esteemed presence of Marty. Does this mean "The Adventures of Rick and Marty" will be expanding to aliens now? Reply Jean Stone 12/7/2020 02:06:39 pm Multiple invocations of Kofun Period tombs and Japanese deities and they didn't think to connect it to the Japanese-produced Kingdom Hearts series where magical keys can unlock doors between worlds and the protagonist is named Sora, which means 'Sky' or 'Space'. Proof I tell you, proof that Japan has been influenced by magic space aliens, and the show dropped the ball. Oh well, maybe in the future they'll do an episode about how Walt Disney was channeling inspiration from aliens and they'll be able to revisit the idea then... Reply Emily Pigeon 12/15/2020 09:11:11 am Looking forward to a series of episodes on every one of the 48 regular polyhedra. Reply Your comment will be posted after it is approved. Leave a Reply. Author I am an author and researcher focusing on pop culture, science, and history. Bylines: New Republic, Esquire, Slate, etc. There's more about me in the About Jason tab. 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